Questions for the Stay at Home Mom.
How many times have you glanced at the form asking for your Occupation and felt the uncertainty of what you should write down?
Homemaker.
Stay at home mom.
Full time wife.
Why the feeling of inadequacy? Why the tinge of less? Maybe because we live in a world trying to make us feel that way.
Society has pushed women further and further out of the home. America went through a time when economic factors and war caused women to work beyond the homestead and earn a literal paycheck. These are not the factors I speak of. I am talking directly to the war placed on women by our own society. You are less if you do not hold an occupation on paper. With no paycheck you hold no value. With no title you hold no importance.
B.S.
Total. B. capital S.
Women hold a special place of the highest importance in their family - in their home. Children were not meant to be raised by anyone but their parents. Special circumstances apply here - unexpected deaths, men who choose not to step up but instead step out, injuries and job loss. Again, these are not the cases I am speaking to.
To the woman who has fallen prey to the social stigma that staying home means you have no worth. No place in this life. You do not contribute to society. You are lazy by choosing not to work outside the home. You are allowing your husband to have too much control.
I personally, have had enough.
Well, we need two incomes to pay our bills.
Have you ever taken into the consideration what is actually COSTS you to work? The costs of child care, work clothes, makeup, lunches out, dinners out, gas and mileage - just to name a few. If most parents did the math they would see that they are hardly bringing in enough money to justify being gone from their children. Jonni McCoy has written a book Miserly Moms on just that very topic. In her book, she coaches women through the process of leaving their job and adjusting financially to a life at home.
This book really made me look at my income as a high school teacher when my second son was born. When my husband and I did the math, I would basically be working to pay for child care costs. Day care costs are on the rise. My heart's desire was to be home. Financially it made sense. And it has been a huge blessing for our family in many ways. Various studies have shown the importance of a mother at home [ we will get into that a little later ].
Staying at home is a waste of my education.
To say that someone who has a college education but is wasting it by staying at home is a truly ignorant statement. What do you gain from a college education? Well, employment opportunities. Obviously. We also gain life experience living on a campus. We gain knowledge from all the books, texts, lectures - everything. That doesn't just go away when you are at home. The bigger question would be, is education just a means to earn a wage? I would argue not.
As would Anna Mussmann in her article in the Federalist:
http://thefederalist.com/2017/03/07/no-stay-home-moms-dont-waste-education/
Lastly, a full time mother's education can be looked at as a form of insurance for a family. God forbid the bread-winning husband fall ill, injured or even pass away; and educated woman can pick up and find a higher earning job to keep her family afloat after an expected tragedy. Again, another argument that a stay at home mother's education is not a waste if she is currently not employed.
You're allowing a man to control the money.
I'm sorry, if you are worried about your husband overtaking the finances and not including you because you do not earn a paycheck - you married a jerk. Plain and simple. A good man sees the value in a hard-working woman in the home. He sees his children well cared for and secure in themselves. He sees the value in a homemade meal. He sees the value in a woman putting her family before herself. A good man does not hold a paycheck over his wife's head. Period.
I'm a better Mom when I get out of the house and work.
Sorry, Sister - it isn't about you anymore. The kids come first.
How are the children placed in full time child care holding up? The New York Times published and article showing two different studies about these kids. Both studies showed children in child care tend to have more behavior issues than young children raised at home by their mother. Both these studies followed up seven years later and found their findings to still be true.
The study also showed infant and toddlers who were left in child care facilities for full days have higher levels of the stress hormone Cortisol. The research determined those same children had less Cortisol in their systems when they were able to be a home for long periods of time, such as a weekend.
Research determined that the type of care did not matter - it did not matter the quality of day care but the biggest factor was how much time the child was left in day care. The stress levels rose and the long term effects on their behavior followed the children throughout their school years.
These same studies showed that having a parent at home gave children an academic edge over peers who did not. Whether they were home-schooled or simply had a parent to receive them off the bus. It largely impacted their SAT and ACT scores. In additional to the academic scores, these same children seemed to display more control of their emotions and did not show signs of aggression as frequently as children whom had spent large periods of time in child care.
We have all seen teens dropped off by the bus to unsupervised homes - free to run into mischief until their parents are home. And we honestly have to sit back and wonder why teen pregnancy and drug usage are rampant in working class homes?
SOURCE:
http://www.nytimes.com/2003/07/16/us/two-studies-link-child-care-to-behavior-problems.html
https://www.thespruce.com/research-stay-at-home-moms-4047911
These are only a few of the lies we have been told to sway us from keeping our families together. When women work - their kids are institutionalized. As early as six weeks of age. Where is the time to bond? It gets limited very quickly. It is unnatural. The elementary age children that get dropped off before school starts and picked up from the after school program. The middle school and high school kids that get dropped off by the bus and go hours unsupervised. It is all a problem. A huge problem.
Stay at home parenting is on the rise again. Thankfully. Since 1999, the number of parents staying at home with their children has risen about 6%. Some of this is due to the rise in day care costs.
All this to say, your work at home is not in vain Mom. The things you may have given up, the comments made to your face about wasting your education, the feelings of inadequacy - shake it off. Live with the convictions you have. You want to stay home, you and your spouse can work it out financially ... then you do it. Soak up those moments. Fill out "Homemaker" on your paperwork with pride.
The HUGE lasting and positive impacts are worth it all.
To the mother who would give her left arm to stay home and just can't - I feel for you. I honestly hate knowing that there are women in situations that just do not allow them to be home when they desperately want to. There are so many resources available to look in to - debt programs like the ones offered by Dave Ramsey. Maybe less debt would allow you to make the switch to one income. Maybe a lower house payment or used cars purchased with cash. Less eating out and more home meals at home. It is worth taking the time to make the financial changes.
For the record, I want to make the statement that there are definitely moms at home that would be better off at work. They sit on the couch and watch TV and play on their phone all day, Their home is disorganized, they are always late, rarely have dinner ready and they do not play with their children. Those women would better serve their families out earning a paycheck. I do not want to leave this post seeming as though all stay at home moms are heroes; because that just simply is not true.
The benefits choosing to stay home far outweighs what you have decided to give up. Maybe your family only operates with one car. Maybe you are knee-deep in diapers and spit up and haven't had an adult conversation in weeks. Maybe someone has made you question your value because of your lifestyle. Or maybe you are just questioning your decision internally. Keep doing what you are doing. Your family will reap the rewards.
"Homemaking is surely in reality the most important work in the world." - C. S. Lewis